Mixed feelings

From the day I told you I have feelings for you, till today. There are too many things I wanted to tell you. Of course, I doubt you'll want to listen because you don't really bother. Why in the world you would want to listen to me in the first place?

I can't really find a proper way to tell you how i feel now. Im in need of someone to talk to and it is not easy for me to held it within myself for this long because I don't usually do this.

Sometimes I thought I had a chance, but sometimes I feel that I'm just another guy in your life. I really want to be there with you when you are upset about the things you encounter, go mad with you when you having stress that you can hardly handle, go happy with you when you have happy things to share. I really want to be the person who you will first to find when you have something to share, but clearly I am not the person.

Probably it is too short for us to be together since we only knew each other less than 100 days. I am willing to wait. I am willing to be there for you when you need someone be there for you. I want to be there for you to go through the things with you, held you up when you are down, cheer you up when you are upset, lift you up when you fall down. I really do.

Probably I'm too annoying for asking so many questions. That's because you are in my heart. I can't stand not knowing where are you because I worry about your safety. I'm not checking on you but I just want to know if you're safe and sound. I know it is too much to ask for. So now, I stop. I don't message you randomly so that you don't feel that I'm annoying.

Sometimes, I really hope that you know how I actually feel. But i know, it is impossible. ):

Chinese New Year!

Chinese New Year was quite nice despite it is not as happening compare to last year's, but I don't really mind cause for the first time, I spare myself from eating with him. Something new to me I guess. If I'm not mistaken, I have no seen him since this year. I am intend to keep it this way since he does not have the heart.

My cousin's birthday falls on the day she visited my place, along with my other relatives! We had a cake from Secret Recipe! It is an awesome cake. Now I'm missing the cake. We had gambling session like every previous year to follow our tradition. This year I only won MYR16, but my sister lost like MYR100+ We played black jack, in-between and some other weird games. It was really fun cause I get to hang out with my cousins again!

After that we went for dinner. New Paris Restaurant! Pretty decent but is a little expensive I'd say. Two tables for MYR393. My brother in-law paid everything, but my aunt insist she wanted to pay some. So I guess there will be another dinner coming soon. But I'm going to work soon so probably I can't make it. Sighhh. :/

This Thursday I'm going to start my work. I am going to work in a petstore in One Utama! So do let me know if you want to buy anything from the petstore so that you will not be coming over knowing it is out of stock. Now I am thinking of what should I do. Apparently there is a better job offer and is indirectly linked to my study field but I had already promised this job. Dilemma! >_<

Sometimes I wonder if everything in this world has its own calculation. When I say to myself "Yeah everything has its own way to calculate", I was proved wrong. Because I can never calculate how you think, or what you think about me. I know that there might be alot more guys would do the same thing I did for you but I just hope that you can be sincere to me since I had been doing the same thing. Just hope that one day you would look for me and say "Look, I know you're nice and all but we're not going to work out." If you tell me that at least I know to stop. But now you are making me hanging in the middle of nowhere and it is starting to cause misery in me. I am no Saint nor robot. I have my own feelings and I do need someone to pamper me too.

Last but not least, I'd like to share this song to everyone who came across this blog.

Belated anniversary

Just check back my old post. The first ever post was at 7th of March 2008. Wow. I didn't realize I've started this blog more than a year ago. Does that mean something? To me is it. At least I show that I have more durability than before. :)

I've been a spoil brat since the day I born. I confess that I always been a emo, brainless, easily get crazy, annoying, bitchy or [insertyourwordhere] kid. I know I'm not a perfect person. I also know I've disappointed alot of people in my life. I also know that there's people putting hopes on me, but I never accomplish. I also know that, you were waiting for me all these years but I never do anything. I also know that I've been a fucked up couple you ever met.

I know I'm not the best. I know I'm not good enough. I know I always giving you excuses.

I also know you think that I'm hiding the truth from you. I also know that you think I'm cheating on you. I also know that you think I have no love for you.

But what you didn't know is;

You are the love of my life. You are part of my life. You are one of the important person in my life. You are in my heart.

The most important part. I know you have no faith on me. I know you think that I'm just fooling around with you. But I've changed. I'm different now.

I do think I deserves a second chance. I do think I can do better than before. I do think I can be what you want me to be. The thing is that, what about you?

I miss you

Do you miss me? I do. Our last conversation ended at 2018, February 13th 2009. I just realized that it was a Friday. Friday the 13th. Black Friday.

I didn't know about it until now. I really don't want this to end, but to continue.

I think about you all day long
When I am not near you, all i think about is being with you
When you are near me, I feel like I have the peace of the whole world
I am not asking god for anything because i have you in my life, and you are everything i wanted
The thing I really want to do is to spend the rest of my life to make you happy as how you made me

Sarang hae

Everything

Everything just give it a fullstop. Maybe it's not to best solution you can ever find, but certainly not the worst. At least you know where and when you need to stop. I'm a person who doesn't like people drinking. Because you're using alcoholic to avoid your problem. Temporary or permanent, it doesn't really matter to me. It's good to see that you have decided what you want to do, who you choose to be with at the end. Maybe I'm the only one who knows you well, but doesn't necessary we should be together. You should pick someone who loves you more than anything else.

I admit I'm selfish interms of handling the relationship but there's other thing for me to take care of. I cannot just decide an important matter just like snapping fingers. It's not good for you or me, and either way it will hurt both of us in future. Yes I might seem to be giving you excuses, telling you alot of this and that, reasons of why I'm not doing this nor that. But I am 100% sure to say that I have never ever intended to separate you and him. I myself hate third party very much, if you still remember my condition. That is why I had never tried to interrupt.

That night, might be a mistake, might be a start for both of us, might be a stupid decision done by myself, but that doesn't matter. Probably we shouldn't even meet at all. If we didn't meet that night, we might be staying as friends like last time. I have never ever thought of hurting you because myself has been hurt for quite a number of times and I know how it feels. Probably I didn't really think about it deeply before I decide and that makes you feel that I decide everything without thinking about you. But as a man I need to sacrifice something in order to get something working. I sacrifice myself so that you and him can be together. I sacrifice myself so that he has another chance, which I think he deserves it after so many years.

Like I said, just give everything a complete fullstop. Don't think about it, don't mention about it. You are not suppose to stay behind, but to move forward. Stop looking back, start to think about your future. Maybe that will make you feel good. Probably the screw up part is good for both of us as well. Cause if that happens, I don't know how this gonna end up like.

I'm truthfully

Disappointed about what you trying to do. Your action makes me feel that there's totally no excuse for you to do so.

Valentine's day

Today is the day where all the couples spend time together. Probably even celebrate their anniversary. I still remember my first. March 18th 2001. Because that's the first time I ever sang a song to a girl. And I purposed to her if I can be her dearest, and she accepted. Now, shes not with me. Hope you have a great Valentine's Day.

I'm so..

I'm so stupid. After all the things I've done.
- I thought all I did for you is for the sake of both of us but apparently you sees it in a different way.

I'm so childish. Thought what I did was right.
- I thought all I did was to save both of us from our parents to separate both of us. That's why I choose to leave you instead of making one of us transferring to another school.

I'm so innocent. Thinking that you might appreciate what I did.
- After all these while, I realized what I did wasn't good enough. You did not like it. I thought what I did was right, but you don't seem to believe me anymore.

I'm so brainless. Thinking that you want to be with me again.
- I'm so stupid to that think you actually wanting to be with me again. I'm such a jerk for making you lost trust in me.

I'm so worthless. You never trust me anymore.
- You never trust me anymore. You never going to know what's going to happen now. I have prepared and now everything is rubbish to me now.

I'm so wanting to be with you, but you didn't want to.
- Maybe I hurt you too deep. I don't know. Like I said, I have never ever thought of hurting you, interrupting you and him, nor even trying to make your relationship broke apart.

Now I know. Memories are meant to be memories. You cannot bring it back, you cannot get it back, you cannot ask for it. You just can remember it and that will be remain in your mind for the rest of your life. You said I'm the one who understands you inside out. But do you even understand what I'm trying to say, or trying to do, or what is my intention? Frankly, do you even understand me? Isn't that a lil unfair for me? After all these while what I'm trying to do is to save both of us and you making it sound like I'm making excuses so that I can hurt you more. Isn't that unfair? But since you put it this way, I cannot do nor say anything more. Like I said, memories are meant to be memories. You cannot provoke it back so that it will become reality. I tried. I done. I failed. I'll leave.

Sigh.

Sigh of relief? Sigh of sadness? Sigh of sleepless night? I don't know anymore. Please do understand that what I am doing is for you, and you only. Maybe is wrong timing, like you said. And I can't deny it. Timing is a weird thing isn't it? Sometimes you thought you have the best time. But before you realized, the best timing was just few seconds away from you. But when you realized, it's always too late.

I'm really happy that our memories did not just went off from your mind after so many years. Although I can remember our things more than you do. But it's more than enough. It is, more than enough. With these memories you gave me last time, few days ago, few hours ago, is more than enough for me to think of it some other time when I'm alone.

Is it end now? Seriously, I do not know, frankly I am not sure as well. Could it be the end? Yes it could be. Could it be a new beginning? Of course it is, I can assure you that. New beginning for both of us. Our lives, our future. Sadly, I won't be the one beside you, sharing your happiness and joy.

I know that you having strong feelings on me now. Hate or love, doesn't really matter to me now. Cause I know that I've done what I do best, I've done what I can do, to save me and you. You might not be able to see the real picture of me doing so, but if you think about it, you might be able to realize. Like my General Psychology lecturer said, "Think outside the box"

Maybe I'm a bad person, who kept on hurting you again and again. Well I might just the person who you think I am. I probably the person who understands you inside out, but I believed your parents can do so as well. But he. He is the one who going through all the obstacles with you, he'll be always beside you when you are feeling down. He might not understands you, but I believe that he is just the guy who you are looking for. And that's something where your parents or siblings can't do to you everytime.

I hope you will cherish every moment you share with him. I've heard someone said to me. "The biggest treasure I ever have, is the moment when I'm spending with you". Hope you understand what it means, and stay happy as well. I will not be on your side, but I will always think about you.

Will these happen? Me and You?

Although this relation has past more than six years, but I do cherish the memories you gave me. I want you to know that although I'm not with you physically, but I will always thinking about you. Thinking about how you look when you try to tease me, comfort me while I'm down, when you are happy because of something else. I might look like the bad-est guy in the world during that time, but I can assure you that I will strive my best not to repeat the same mistake I did last time, I will assure you that I will try my best not to hurt you anymore, give you all the happiness I can give, I will cherish and appreciate every moment I shared with you.

But.

Will these happen?
Will we stay as happy as we were if we together?
or will be better if I stay away from you?
If I stay away from you, will you be happy?
or you actually prefer me to stay away from you?
Will we still be friends, as close as always?
or better off we be couples again?
or we should stop contacting each other?
Am I hurting you whenever I talk to you?
will the memories come back to you?
or you have completely immune to it already?
Is my existence causing you too much trouble?
or you prefer I stay with you?
or you don't even care about what I do?